With a stomach hurting for some good old fashioned food court grub, Uri and I walked into the Food Court in the Cordova Mall in Pensacola. Firstly, if you have never been to Pensacola just imagine Hell with white trash, fat people and bad fashion sense. From what I've heard, Alabama is worse, but that will have to wait for another review.
Waling into the food court, we are already faced with a harrowing challange: What could we, as 2 vegetarians possibly eat at the mall? We remedied this quickly when Uri saw a place proclaiming a "Veggie Cracker Roll"was available. Now, we should have been put off by the name, with it's racist undertones, (it also kind of sounds like a breakdancing maneuvuer). But she went ahead and got it anyway. I decided to get some mashed potatoes, green beans and corn at "The Shirmp Shack".
Analysis of Trip One:
The "Veggie Cracker Roll" was what salt would taste like if it was stale, wet and had been rubbed in salt. One bite of this and I am sure my blood pressure skyrocketed.
The Pasta Salad that came with the "Veggie Cracker Roll" was not redeeming in the least. It was almost like they boiled 4 noodles then dumped and mixed them into a jar of mayonaise (the big Sams Club fuckin jars) dashed some unknown seaoning on there and served it as "pasta salad".
The Mashed Potatoes had chunks of some unknown material in them. After two or three bites I decided that I was in fact disgusted that I had no idea what the fuck those chunks were and started in on the corn. Now it's hard to fuck up corn, but overcooking is one of those ways. And believe it, they did.
The green beans were good though, marinated in what seemed to be brown sugar and soy sauce. They looked like shit though which drops the score way down.
Breakdown of Trip One:
Veggie Cracker Roll, Pasta Salad and small Iced Tea: $4.99
Mashed Potatoes, Corn and Green beans: $3.50
All together we spent almost $8.75 with tax. They should have payed us that much for even trying thier awful food.
Trip two: I was still hungry. Dissapointed by my luck with trip one, I decided to give another resteraunt a chance. I gaze around the food court looking from resteraunt to resteraunt. I see Sbarro and think "Yum, it's hard to fuck up cheese pizza." I look around once again and finally decide on Chinese Food. Mall Chinese Food is 99% of the time really delicous. I just so happened to fall into that 1% of people who get substandard fried noodles. I decide to get the fried noodles, with vegetables and the placard defiantly proclaiming "NOODLES". I should have ran then and there because who the fuck calls Lo Mein simply noodles? But with my better judgment escaping me yet again, I decide to get them anyway. Now that I decided what I wanted I had to wait in line behing the indecisive black man who can't decide if he wants bbq honey chicken or general tso's chicken. He finally decided on the Generals and he and his screaming brood of children let me be to order my noodles.
"I would like the Noodles!" I exclaimed.
No reply back just the digusting sponge like sound of unwashed tongs going into a mound of seemingly delicious lo mein. It's served up and I am asked if I would like a drink. Large coke, but of course and I sit back down to "enjoy."
Analysis of Trip two:
I bit into the noodles and some unknown vegetable and immediatley spit it out. The veggie, whatever it was, was raw. The felt like they had come alive in my mouth. I panicked and drank a giant gulp of my coke and am now needing therapy.
Breakdown of Trip two:
Noodles + Large Coke $4.50
After spending nearly 16 dollars on food that wasn't consumed or enjoyed, we left the food court seeking solace in the fact that nothing could ever be worse than that experience.